Take Your Stinking Metacarpals Off My Vagina, You Damn Dirty Skeleton

Updated: Dec 14, 2018


Confession time. I’ve never read a bizarro novel before starting this site. Horror? Yes! Erotica? Yes. But bizarro? Sadly no. I guess I didn’t know bizzaro was its own thing until earlier this year when I bought my first small press anthology. I thought the horror stuff I read was pretty bizarre, but I guess it wasn’t giant-walking-talking-penis bizarre. That’s right. Ms. Airika Sneve penned a tale called We Believe in 5B, where this giant dong goes to failing companies and gives a pep talk to boost sales figures and employee satisfaction. A part of me wants to tell you what the five Bs stand for, but as Morpheus would say: You have to find out for yourself ;)


All cock aside, I was pretty intrigued and did some Googling on the genre. One name continually popped up: Carlton Mellick III. He has more books than Stephen King, and I feared the covers—while freaking amazing—were basically clickbait. So I couldn’t bring myself to buy it at the time. My resistance continued until I launched the site in November because the more I checked out the small press scene the more I kept hearing the term bizarro being praised. I pushed my apprehension aside and decided to order The Haunted Vagina.


In searching for an analogy, I can only compare the experience to watching porn for the first time. In the opening chapter, I’m just kinda shocked at the plot. Also, Mellick’s writing really turned me off. It was choppy, unnatural and lacking any real style. Eventually, I tried imagining the main characters delivering their dialogue with deadpan humor. Giving them this dry wit helped, but the book was still not as entertaining as the cover led me to believe. Perhaps it was one of the author’s earlier books and I decided to push through.


At some point though, the initial shock and uncomfortable feeling of your first porn wears off. Probably faster for guys than girls, but it happens for us too. We begin to embrace the absurd plot line and dialogue. We become fascinated with the new sexual acts we are witnessing for the first time—at least I did. And now…well, let’s just say I know my way around Porn Hub. In short, we stop critiquing and allow ourselves to get into it.


By chapter six, Mellick found his flow—or perhaps I did. The main character Steve has lubed up from head to toe and is inserting his entire body into his girlfriend’s vagina…which is haunted. But not really. It’s actually a gateway to another world. And don’t worry about his girlfriend Stacy being able to take the whole thing. Steve shrinks as he tunnels in between his lover’s legs, much like all the enormous objects he takes with him on the journey into the other dimension…like a gun, walkie talkie, tent for sleeping.


By the time Steve was almost drown by a tidal wave of semen, I found myself really enjoying the book. And speaking of semen and porn, when the skeletons arrived it totally felt like the scene from the porno Pirates! When I finished my first bizarro book, it was much like hitting stop on the first pornographic movie I ever watched. I got to thinking about what I’d seen and wondering what else is out there. I was hooked, but I wasn’t necessarily satisfied. In fact I’m not sure exactly how I felt at the end of The Haunted Vagina.

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Steve becomes trapped in Stacy’s netherworld forever. He never sees her again and Stacy misses him so much. But he does find the cute naked cartoon character on the front cover and eventually marries her. So I’m not sure if I felt happy or sad.


At this point, I’m not even sure if my comparison to adult films is working great or I’ve had way too much wine. Maybe it’s just bizarro ;) The point is, I’ve been teased by my first bizarro book, but I don’t feel I’ve gone all the way yet. I need more. I’m ready to move from porn to the real thing.


So I need your help, do I let Carlton advance from foreplay to the real thing or allow a different author officially pop my bizarro cherry?


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